Helping your child to behave well
Understanding your child's behaviour
How to discourage inappropriate behaviour
How to encourage appropriate behaviour
How to reward good behaviour
Misbehaviour can be thought of as an opportunity for teaching new behaviour. In order to change your child's behaviour it can be helpful to understand what your child is communicating by behaving in this way.
Remember, the idea is not to control children and make them obey, but to give them skills for making decisions, gradually gaining self-control, and being responsible for their own actions.
Parents will need to change their own behaviour before they can expect their child to change theirs.
Understanding your child's behaviour
In order to understand your child's behaviour, it would be extremely useful to keep a diary.
Identify one behaviour that you would like to change. Be as specific as you can e.g. your child won't do as she/he is told, hitting, demanding things etc. Write the behaviour down.
When the behaviour occurs, write down what led immediately to it (triggers) and what happened afterwards (consequences). Also record how you behaved and felt.
After a week, try to see if there is a pattern to the behaviour. For example, when is it occurring, at what times, situations, who is it occurring with, what are the triggers, what are the consequences or 'pay-offs' for your child? Often this is related to getting attention, getting their own way or the parent giving in just for a quiet life!
Ask yourself what your child is learning from the way you respond to the behaviour. Are you setting limits and boundaries consistently?
Once you have a clear picture, you are ready to change the pattern by changing the triggers and consequences. Most importantly, concentrate on encouraging and rewarding good behaviour.
How to discourage inappropriate behaviourIgnoring - This works best with a new, annoying but not harmful behaviour like bad language or tantrums. Effective ignoring involves not talking to or looking at the child or using any body language that indicates attention. If used consistently it shows children that they will not get your attention if they are behaving badly.
When your child is behaving in an undesirable way in order to get your attention e.g. nagging, pulling at clothes or whining, this can be completely ignored. No attention, however subtle, or eye contact should be made.
You MUST be consistent each time the troublesome behaviour occurs. If parents give in, the child simply learns to persist longer. Initially the behaviour may get worse before it gets better. You may need to distract yourself, by leaving the room for example.
Praise can be used with ignoring. When the annoying behaviour stops you should then praise the child.
Time out - This can be used but is most effective for children between the ages of 2-6 years. It should not be used with very young children. Time out involves removing a child for a brief period of time so they are on their own (1 minute for every year in age) and is effective in helping to set limits for children and teaching them what is appropriate. It is an extension of ignoring poor behaviour and helps parents to remain in control. It should be used sparingly and is most appropriate when a child refuses to do as they are told.
Redirecting - This approach involves helping the child find an alternative activity that is similar to what they were doing. "I can't let you throw your truck, but you may throw the ball outside" or "You may not kick the door, but you may kick the ball".
Cooling off - Hurtful behaviour or an angry outburst can sometimes be helped by a cooling off period. A cooling off period is not used as a punishment. The child can be sent to a calming place to rest, read, or do something pleasant until they gain control of themselves and change their behaviour. A cooling off period is also a good way for adults to calm down before taking action and to demonstrate an acceptable way of handling anger.
Allowing consequences - We help children to learn to be responsible when we allow them to experience consequences to their actions. If the child rides a bike into the street when told not to, the child then has to go indoors for a while.
Removing privileges - This involves removing some existing treat in the response to bad behaviour. The removal of privileges should follow three basic rules in order to be effective. It should be related to the misbehaviour whenever possible and treated as a consequence of the misbehaviour, it should be age-
Remember, the idea is not to control children and make them obey, but to give them skills for making decisions, gradually gaining self-control, and being responsible for their own actions.
Parents will need to change their own behaviour before they can expect their child to change theirs.
Understanding your child's behaviour
In order to understand your child's behaviour, it would be extremely useful to keep a diary.
Identify one behaviour that you would like to change. Be as specific as you can e.g. your child won't do as she/he is told, hitting, demanding things etc. Write the behaviour down.
When the behaviour occurs, write down what led immediately to it (triggers) and what happened afterwards (consequences). Also record how you behaved and felt.
After a week, try to see if there is a pattern to the behaviour. For example, when is it occurring, at what times, situations, who is it occurring with, what are the triggers, what are the consequences or 'pay-offs' for your child? Often this is related to getting attention, getting their own way or the parent giving in just for a quiet life!
Ask yourself what your child is learning from the way you respond to the behaviour. Are you setting limits and boundaries consistently?
Once you have a clear picture, you are ready to change the pattern by changing the triggers and consequences. Most importantly, concentrate on encouraging and rewarding good behaviour.
How to discourage inappropriate behaviourIgnoring - This works best with a new, annoying but not harmful behaviour like bad language or tantrums. Effective ignoring involves not talking to or looking at the child or using any body language that indicates attention. If used consistently it shows children that they will not get your attention if they are behaving badly.
When your child is behaving in an undesirable way in order to get your attention e.g. nagging, pulling at clothes or whining, this can be completely ignored. No attention, however subtle, or eye contact should be made.
You MUST be consistent each time the troublesome behaviour occurs. If parents give in, the child simply learns to persist longer. Initially the behaviour may get worse before it gets better. You may need to distract yourself, by leaving the room for example.
Praise can be used with ignoring. When the annoying behaviour stops you should then praise the child.
Time out - This can be used but is most effective for children between the ages of 2-6 years. It should not be used with very young children. Time out involves removing a child for a brief period of time so they are on their own (1 minute for every year in age) and is effective in helping to set limits for children and teaching them what is appropriate. It is an extension of ignoring poor behaviour and helps parents to remain in control. It should be used sparingly and is most appropriate when a child refuses to do as they are told.
Redirecting - This approach involves helping the child find an alternative activity that is similar to what they were doing. "I can't let you throw your truck, but you may throw the ball outside" or "You may not kick the door, but you may kick the ball".
Cooling off - Hurtful behaviour or an angry outburst can sometimes be helped by a cooling off period. A cooling off period is not used as a punishment. The child can be sent to a calming place to rest, read, or do something pleasant until they gain control of themselves and change their behaviour. A cooling off period is also a good way for adults to calm down before taking action and to demonstrate an acceptable way of handling anger.
Allowing consequences - We help children to learn to be responsible when we allow them to experience consequences to their actions. If the child rides a bike into the street when told not to, the child then has to go indoors for a while.
Removing privileges - This involves removing some existing treat in the response to bad behaviour. The removal of privileges should follow three basic rules in order to be effective. It should be related to the misbehaviour whenever possible and treated as a consequence of the misbehaviour, it should be age-
appropriate and the enforcement and use of this form of discipline should be consistent.
How to encourage appropriate behaviour
Demonstrate to your child the behaviour that you want from them. Children have always copied the adults in their lives. They will copy manner, tone of voice, language and actions, both appropriate and inappropriate. Setting a good example is critical.
Talk respectfully to your child - The time spent talking to your child and making eye contact with them is quality time. Parents who remember to talk to their children as they talk to their friends discover that their children pay closer attention to what they say.
Tell them what you want as children respond better to being told what to do rather than what not to do e.g.:-
instead of saying - "Don't hit the dog" - say - "Touch the dog gently".
instead of saying - "Stop kicking the chair" - say - "Keep your feet on the floor".
Make some rules as a few necessary, clear rules that set out reasonable limits and are consistently enforced, give children the security that their parents are helping them to behave. Too many rules set everyone up for failure because they cannot be remembered and they cannot be enforced with consistency. Rules are for protecting the health, safety, property and rights of the child and others.
Give chances to choose as by giving a child choices allows them some appropriate power over their life and encourages decision making. The choices offered must be within acceptable limits and appropriate to the child's age and emotional development.
Pay attention and reward the behaviour you want as most children spend a great percentage of the time behaving appropriately, and parents need to acknowledge this. Positive behaviour will increase if we give it attention. Try to catch them being good!
Make an investment in spending time with your child. Each child needs some individual attention every day - talking, playing, singing, reading, etc. It's the best investment a parent can make!
Demonstrate to your child the behaviour that you want from them. Children have always copied the adults in their lives. They will copy manner, tone of voice, language and actions, both appropriate and inappropriate. Setting a good example is critical.
Talk respectfully to your child - The time spent talking to your child and making eye contact with them is quality time. Parents who remember to talk to their children as they talk to their friends discover that their children pay closer attention to what they say.
Tell them what you want as children respond better to being told what to do rather than what not to do e.g.:-
instead of saying - "Don't hit the dog" - say - "Touch the dog gently".
instead of saying - "Stop kicking the chair" - say - "Keep your feet on the floor".
Make some rules as a few necessary, clear rules that set out reasonable limits and are consistently enforced, give children the security that their parents are helping them to behave. Too many rules set everyone up for failure because they cannot be remembered and they cannot be enforced with consistency. Rules are for protecting the health, safety, property and rights of the child and others.
Give chances to choose as by giving a child choices allows them some appropriate power over their life and encourages decision making. The choices offered must be within acceptable limits and appropriate to the child's age and emotional development.
Pay attention and reward the behaviour you want as most children spend a great percentage of the time behaving appropriately, and parents need to acknowledge this. Positive behaviour will increase if we give it attention. Try to catch them being good!
Make an investment in spending time with your child. Each child needs some individual attention every day - talking, playing, singing, reading, etc. It's the best investment a parent can make!
How to reward good behaviour
Use rewards immediately after the behaviour you want to encourage.
Initially, reward the behaviour every time it occurs. Once your child has the idea, you should continue to reward the behaviour but not every time.
Reward only the behaviour you want to encourage.
Praise
Praise your child when they are behaving appropriately, don't wait for perfect behaviour.
Praising is not going to spoil a child, we all like to know we are appreciated!
Difficult children need more frequent praise, but often get less. Look hard for things to praise, no matter how small.
Tell your child very clearly why you are praising.
Praise should only follow appropriate behaviour.
Be enthusiastic and give good eye contact when you praise.
How to reward
Tell your child clearly what the appropriate behaviour you want to see is.
Choose small rewards and give rewards each day, normally immediately following appropriate behaviour.
Get your child to help you choose the rewards.
Give rewards only after the desired behaviour has been achieved.
Examples of rewards
Crayons, paper, pencils, surprise small bag with marbles etc., small toy, hire a child's video of child's choice, special treat in lunch box, choosing breakfast cereal, using telephone, having a friend over, choosing TV programme, making playdough, growing seeds, staying with friends/family, trip to park/cinema, riding bike, go swimming, feed ducks, go to the beach, extra bedtime story, doing puzzle, extra playtime with parent, smiles
Use rewards immediately after the behaviour you want to encourage.
Initially, reward the behaviour every time it occurs. Once your child has the idea, you should continue to reward the behaviour but not every time.
Reward only the behaviour you want to encourage.
Praise
Praise your child when they are behaving appropriately, don't wait for perfect behaviour.
Praising is not going to spoil a child, we all like to know we are appreciated!
Difficult children need more frequent praise, but often get less. Look hard for things to praise, no matter how small.
Tell your child very clearly why you are praising.
Praise should only follow appropriate behaviour.
Be enthusiastic and give good eye contact when you praise.
How to reward
Tell your child clearly what the appropriate behaviour you want to see is.
Choose small rewards and give rewards each day, normally immediately following appropriate behaviour.
Get your child to help you choose the rewards.
Give rewards only after the desired behaviour has been achieved.
Examples of rewards
Crayons, paper, pencils, surprise small bag with marbles etc., small toy, hire a child's video of child's choice, special treat in lunch box, choosing breakfast cereal, using telephone, having a friend over, choosing TV programme, making playdough, growing seeds, staying with friends/family, trip to park/cinema, riding bike, go swimming, feed ducks, go to the beach, extra bedtime story, doing puzzle, extra playtime with parent, smiles
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